I was not the normal single person , some days I wanted to be married and there were other days that I didn’t want to be married. I had my first boyfriend when I was in college, I never had a crush on anyone in high school. I knew I liked boys but I just wanted to do other things that I didn’t get caught up in that , I figured it would happen when it was the right time  . My first boyfriend was a gentleman too , he never touched me wrong , he talked to me kindly to me . Made me feel special . But I was too young to appreciate his kindness and I just couldn’t get into him .  If I was the adult I am today I would probably have married him very early on and then I probably wouldn’t be writing this blog.  Anyway life happened and we didn’t get married  Honestly I don’t think that would have ever worked I had some things to do and I guess this is how it had to happen, well kinda.  After him I encountered a string of losers. I mean they may have been nice as friends but definitely not individuals that I could see myself being with for the rest of my life. Each guy left me with something different.  One gave me a son , another gave me trust issues, another made me numb to emotions, one taught me how to be , “hood, ” and then I started dating church guys. And the cycle almost repeated itself until I met my husband . He was everything that the others weren’t . He understood me when I extended my vocabulary beyond common words, he understood worship, and he accepted me and my children .

The year I met my husband was a strange one , I was back on that deal of not wanting to get married again . I just wanted to date and I didn’t want my children to meet him  ( they had not met anyone prior well maybe one  ).  I decided to do something different with him . We were going to be friends only first . And if something developed it just did but first and foremost we were going to be friends  . We laughed , we joked around about people he dated ( and yes he dated other girls when we first met ) And then we decided to be exclusive. We decided to get married 3 years after we met.  And life happened very fast by our first anniversary we had a newborn baby , on our second anniversary we had another baby girl and by our third anniversary we were pregnant with another baby .  He was there with me as we both increased in size , moved to a new city and transitioned from my job to being  a full time stay at home mom. As we were going through all of this I had a lot of emotions and for a while I was just mad at him for absolutely no reason . For some time I didn’t know who I was , remember I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be married so being married and being home with kids all day made life tough.  I would tell him that there was something wrong with me and I didn’t know what it was because previously I wasn’t like that . I wanted it to be all fun.  Let’s just have fun and relax about the small stuff and daily I was developing a resentment for him .  After year 4I started to remember the person I had been and the person I am now . It was like  a light bulb went off.  I never said anything to him , never even said the words out loud but there was something on the inside of me that I needed to change .  I just didn’t know what it was but I quickly found out.

I realized that unconsciously I had brought my past relationships into my marriage. And unfortunately my husband was paying the cost for what I had gone through even though he had nothing to do with any mistakes that I had previously made. Growing up you would hear women saying …save something for your husband. And though most of  the relationships weren’t sexual they all left some sort of energy around me and I reflected that energy on my husband . At some point in life we have all been single and we have all been flawed and made terrible decisions. Some learn from their mistakes on the first time but most don’t I was the most that didn’t learn the lesson the first time around. That does not mean that I didn’t pay daily for the things I did and allowed to come into my life. Life is about educating yourself. Learning from your mistakes and growing.  As women specifically young black women we are more than our body and our beauty .  There comes a time that we have to realize that we have more to offer to the world than booty. And if television is messing you up stop watching Being Mary Jane and go watch Roots .  Another thing we need to consider is to stop the cycle of dating for fun , needing a man around and allowing your natural energy be consumed by someone’s else’s energy whether it is positive or negative , all positive energies aren’t good energies ( ijs).  And no matter how much you try to deny those things it happens. And if you allow it , it can be with you for a lifetime .

Society makes us believe that its necessary to have a partner . We feel the need to love, we watch romantic comedies , we see other couples who are married and we think…I want that and its normal . The funny part of this is in my community its a lot of emphasis on having a man and not enough emphasis on making yourself better. We spend more time catering to our outer appearances and not educating yourself , building wealth , creating security . We either want a man or we want an education it is hardly a balance in that and its seldom that we want both . It was not until I found that balance that I actually was settled enough in my mind to want to be married and actually felt like I had something to offer. I do wish that I had more than an education before I was married. And that too affected portions of our marriage.

If a wound is left open without any care it can become infected . And sometimes infections spread to other portions of your body and if an infection is not treated in time you can lose parts of your body due to the infection . Learn how to heal before you enter into a new relationship. Life itself should be your first priority . Love will happen in its time. All relationships are not packaged the same . Save everything for your husband. Move quickly out of relationships that are not helping you grow and  move forward. Always remember the signs and if you feel less than the person you were , move on…Basically



12 thoughts on “All The Single Ladies…Listen Up”

  1. Wow, this is such a great article and I really have a great time reading this. I agree with you that every one of us should let our wounds or ourselves heal before entering a new relationship just to be fair with our new partner.

  2. I’m coming to this point in my life. Luckily before I am marrying. I’m learning the importance of being balanced and ready for marriage.

  3. It has taken me years to (mostly) stop projecting my past experiences on my husband. This is such wonderful advice. I wish I had realized all this years ago. It would have saved us from so much unnecessary drama.

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