I’ve been Angry for a while. And when I say a while its been about six years of deep rooted , unexplained , heavy and wasteful , unquestionable anger. I’ve hated everything about my life from waking up in the morning till going to bed at night and every hour in between , I’ve lived in a place of no peace. And nothing, I mean nothing has made me happy, not even a pair of shoes. Its a prickly situation when you find yourself angry and not remembering why you are so angry.
Anger consumes your life. It makes you forget that the seasons are changing, you no longer look at the months of the year and take pleasure in the small things like the flowers blooming. You no longer think about how bright the Sun is shinning, you don’t look forward to the week end, small trips out of town , or the fact that its almost the ending of another school year. When you are angry , you miss everything small and everything that’s supposed to be grand in your life is crowded by thoughts of wanting it to end soon.
Anger takes away your rest, it messes with your relaxation. It gives anxiety to situations that do not require anxiousness. It slowly brings over a blanket of depression that makes you think you are nothing and that maybe your life is not even worth living. Anger clouds your vision, it allows you to see others faults more than you see your own. Anger allows your insecurities to become magnified and only gives you courage to blame your life’s faults on others rather than realizing that the fault is in you.
I knew I was in a bad place the moment I opened the door of a moving vehicle to try and rid myself of a situation I created. My anger had created a world around me that was not exactly a reality, (if that makes sense to you) . I was actually functioning in a real life fantasy and in my fantasy world it wasn’t even my fault. But as the wind slapped me in my face , I realized I’ve got to change some things and change them quickly.
The day before all of this happened I looked a picture of myself from three years earlier, I couldn’t look at the picture for more than a second because I could see the sadness in my eyes. You never realize that sadness can lead to bitterness and bitterness only leads to anger. And there is no where else to go from anger unless you decide to change.
When I finally made it home that night, I actually took inventory on my situation and counted up the cost, I realized that for 6 years I’ve blamed someone for something I could have prevented.
Now I have to fight to make up these 6 years …where do I begin?