It is very close to my birthday and every year since I turned 25 I would always reflect on my life from the year before. What did I do? How much I accomplished? What would I change if I had to change anything ? This year I am excited to be alive but also my reflections took me to a different place and some things are making since.
My 25th birthday was traumatic. And every year since 25 I always remember it, it a kinda bad way. So much so I have kinda dreaded my birthday. I dread holidays anyway but when you add in your birthday…its pretty bad. I can remember the day but nothing that happened during that day . I have carried that with me for some time . At least 18 years. 🙂
In my reflection. I have noticed that in the past year I have not finished too many things. I never finish watching an entire series, I have not finished an entire movie this year, I’ve finished a lot of books but I can’t just pick up a book and read another book right away. I have at least 10 drafts of unfinished blogs. Many that I will probably never pick back up. I have a few books written with less than a chapter left. It has leaked to tiktok and reels and now to youtube . I have constant questions of how much of myself do I want to share. Am I being authentic? And then I realized am I afraid to complete something because of some undiagnosed childhood trauma/ adulthood trauma.
I have a lot of screwed up relationships . I’m sure a lot of pastors kids can attest to the amount of people who walk in and out of your life. Being a child of a pastors, you have two choices, learn to get along with everyone or become an island. I did a little of both. But I’m sensitive , I’m a natural people person, I like people. I see good in most people. So its a great deal of hurt to see people who you have spent so much time with act like they never knew you .
I was walking into walmart recently and saw one of the young girls who was in one of my youth groups. I had not seen her in some time but when I spoke , she didn’t . We were face to face . In those moments you wanna say, girl its not that serious . But there are other times when people actually said things that were never done in order to make themselves look like a victim. And those cases I felt a great deal of , ‘ okayness’ to walk by as if I never knew them . I understand that we are not all designed to be united for a lifetime but during the time you have been with me , just tell the truth about things…aint nobody done anything to you…really!
Do you realize the affect that this may have on my mind? But we will do it over and over again. Not because of numbers and popularity but because we have a genuine desire to want to serve. Anyway thanks for attending my therapy session…basically